I KNEW IT WAS THE TIME

When he stopped breathing 

When his heart stopped beating 

When his eyelids stopped moving and eyes stopped blinking 

When his lips stopped talking and they went blue 

I knew it was the time 

When his face went pale 

When he didn't respond to my voice 

When his hand didn't hold mine when I asked him to 

When I couldn't feel him there even though he was laying right there  

I knew it was the time 

When they came in for his cold lying body 

When I cried to let go of him 

When they held me back and wouldn't let me go near him 

When they didn't let the kids come weep with me 

I knew it was the time 

When the woman came in the room to fix me up

When she wiped my tears and reassembled me externally 

When she slipped me into another clothes and I couldn't oppose 

When she hung ornaments in me 

I knew it was the time 

When they started heading towards the river with him

When I was obliged to go with them 

When I was asked to undress myself after the ritual

When the oil was poured over me 

I knew it was the time 

I knew it was the time 

My living responsive body is gonna burn with his dead pale flesh 

I knew it was the time 

The fire would take my existence away and ashes would be all that's left of me 

I knew it was the time 

I had to abandon my children to follow the culture and burn with my dead husband 

I knew it was the time 

I knew it was the time 

                                                          - garima subedi